15 Reasons Why Carly Ledbetter Can Kiss My Charlottean Grits

If you are not from Charlotte, then you might not be aware of the literary smack down that little Miss Carly threw our way via the electronic pages of HuffPo yesterday. 

If you are from Charlotte and you have not tweeted some sort of cryptically southern insult at little Miss Carly then consider yourself in the minority.

I'm long winded....consider this my version of said tweet:

Dearest Little Miss Carly,

Congratulations on your Elon College Volleyball career.  I'm sure it was fulfilling and awfully important to the 3 people who loyally attended games.  I never saw you play, but I bet you were one heck of a digger.

Anyhooooo...

I read your clever little rant on my hometown yesterday.  Canon-bound for sure.

If it is meant to be a light hearted and benign homage to the quirkiness of the QC, then please do not read past this sentence.

If it is meant to be what it feels like it is meant to be, then please allow me to clarify on a few points...I'll write slowly...so that you can understand.

In the order you presented:

1) Downtown is called Uptown.

Yes, well you see when your city center is north of the primary population (which was the case when uptown was being developed) you would go "up" to town. If you don't believe me, then ask Atlanta or New York.  I believe they are both in similar boats.  I realize that we do not have a downtown or midtown like those cities yet, but we are drinking milk....and getting our play60 in. So....

2) No one is actually from Charlotte.

I am.  Born July 24, 1976 in Presbyterian Hospital...near uptown. 

3) #Jeah (Charlotte has 3 celebrities Michael Jordan, Cam Newton, and Ryan Lochte).

My 15 year old daughter swims on Ryan Lochte's club, and he's not the biggest celebrity on deck.  I'll be sure to tell Mandy Patinkin, Claire Daines and Dale Earnhardt Jr. that you think he is though. #powned

4) Everything is oddly evangelical.

What does that even mean?  I'll be sure to ask one of my Catholic, Jewish or Greek Orthodox friends who live and worship in Charlotte.  If they don't know, then I'll head up to NoDa which, according to your reporting, is apparently inhabited by the Godless masses.  Funny, I don't remember seeing that during my last trip up.  They do have excellent craft beer though.

5)  Everyone works for the big 3.

You've got me there.  Nucor, Sonic Automotive, and Duke Power are huge...or, were you talking about RCR, Hendricks and Joe Gibbs Racing....or, were you talking about Chiquita, Carolinas Healthcare and The Compass group.  It's kind of hard to tell with the 270 fortune 500 firms currently employing folks in the city.

6) Buzz City Bobcats

Your list is really starting to lose steam at this point.  I nicknamed this one the downward dog...it is one heck of a stretch.  I grew up in Durham.  I'm a dyed in the wool Tarheels fan.  You know not of what you speak.  This city gave a 60 minute standing ovation to a franchise that lost it's first game to the Cleveland Cavs by 40.  I was there.  In the immortal words of Dr. Peter Venkmen, "Back off man.  I'm a scientist."

7) B of A is trying to tell you something.

I'll admit, the paintings are interesting.  I walk past them everyday on my way to the office...where I work...as in am employed...by an entity that pays me.  Nice concept, employment.  California ought to look into it.  By the way, you're so right....no other city center high rise in America features really strange artwork in their lobby. 

8) The streets are always empty. 

I can surmise that you came to this conclusion at the time of the photo featured in your masterful work of prose.  That picture features snow on the ground.  Bless your heart darlin', we Charlotteans don't do snow.  You certainly could have made fun of that.  But, you didn't...and so you remain a bit uninformed.  Charlotte streets tend to be a bit of a jungle during office hours and one hell of a party after...sans snow, of course. Don't believe me?  Please try to make a left turn off of Tryon Street uptown between the hours of 7-11 PM any Friday night.

9) If you Ain't First, You're last.

I'm sorry.  We don't buy into the whole "every one's a winner, now here's your trophy" mentality.  There are winners and there are losers.  Losers tend to aspire to become winners.  The more enterprising losers work really hard and eventually become winners...thereby motivating the next generation of losers to start winning as soon as possible.  Sister, that's the America we want to live in.  Nice trophy by the way.  You get that playing volleyball at Elon?

10) Public Transportation is Hilarious.

You're so right.  Executing an idea that would enable thousands of low income workers a way to get to where the jobs are, connect hospitality entities to major uptown events like the CIAA and Major League sporting events, and re-invigorate a previously dead commerce corridor...that's frakkin' hysterical!

11) Rafting and Rapids.

I'll give it to you.  The US National Whitewater Center might have made more sense in Colorado.  I really don't have anything snarky to add.  We are really glad they chose Charlotte as it's home.  That's a very cool place.

12) Graveyards are Everywhere.

I nicknamed this observation the corpse pose.  Listen, Carly...whatever you do, for the love of all that is holy...never, EVER visit New Orleans...or Charleston...or Arlington, etc.

13) BBQ is an issue.

No darlin', BBQ is THE issue.  I have guests in from Seattle and we will be dining tonight upon pulled pork with your choice of eastern Carolina and mustard sauce.  That thing that you are feeling...that's called jealousy.  Deal with it.

14) Amelie's > America.

Seriously, Amelie's?  Did the Junior League sponsor your visit or something?  Wait a second...I get it now.  Your last name is actually Kuchar isn't it.  I am being punk'd right?

15) Charlotte is kind of like Purgatory. 

No sweetie...playing Volleyball at Elon College...that is exactly like purgatory.

Enjoy San Fran.

XOXO,

The Queen City Collective.

A Message from My 17 Year Old Self...

Life spent in thought of the morrow,

leads one to feel nothing but fear and sorrow.



 

Silent dreams with fallow spirit,

left alone to wander through;

 

I cannot dream.

But, dream is all I do.

 

-me 4/13/1994

 

 

 

I stumbled across these words that I wrote nearly 2 decades ago while cleaning my attic the other day.

I have no recollection of writing this, nor do I have any idea why I saved it.  It was not an intentional time capsule. 

It's an amazing experience to revisit the forgotten fears and hopes of your 17 year old self.  To be reminded of where I was, and what providence has brought.  I was so afraid of being alone.  Those words were a prayer of sorts.  God knows all I ever wanted was not to be alone.

God has a plan.  And so...

The morrow's thoughts steadfast and strong,

though spirit wanes through hours long.

 

The dreams I dreamt so long ago,

scream on this silent wind;

 

When the morrow wakes;

My dream was always them.

 

-me 11/7/2013

 

 

Thank you Lord for my family.  I am so grateful. 

On The Fault in Our Stars

SPOILER ALERT - IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE FAULT IN OUR STARS YET.  DO NOT READ THIS.  YOU WILL HATE ME, AND I DO NOT HANDLE REJECTION WELL.

I'M SERIOUS - STOP READING THIS AND GO READ THE BOOK.  YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PUT IT DOWN.













The first thing that you need to know about me as a reader is that I do not cry at literary fiction.

It's a hard rule.

Disbelief gets suspended well enough, but I do not cry at things that are not actually so.

The next thing that you need to know about me is that I hate cancer more than just about anything.  My hate for it is not a theoretial thing.  My disdain is galvanized by the trials of those whom I hold dear who have suffered it's unrelenting physical and emotional deathroll.

I hate the idea of burying a member of my nuclear family more than I hate cancer.  Which is to say, I hate it the most.

As for the afforementioned nuclear family loss hatred, I can only offer a hypothetical first person narative.  However, my narative is well informed.  I walked with a very close friend through the unexpected death of his child (the word tragic is intentionally omitted, because it is a dumb word when used to describe the death of a child).  It was and remains to this day horrible.  No, it is worse than horrible.  It is the worst.  THE WORST.

The final thing that you need to know about me is that I have a deep faith in a very specific spiritual doctrine.  That faith did not grow to where it is now until well after the ages of the two main characters of John Green's book.





SPOILER ALERT UPDATE - SERIOUSLY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT, STOP READING THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOK.  THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST SPOILER ALERT.








I cried.

Several times.

I'm crying right now thinking about several of the moments within the final few chapters of Augustus' and (presumably) Hazel Grace's lives.

So much for hard rules.

I'd never read a "cancer book" before this one.  I didn't want to read this one.  My wife and oldest daughter recommended it a long time ago.  I REALLY did not want to read it.  Reader's intuition I guess.  Ironically, it was an article written by Veronica Roth (Divergent Trilogy Author) about her literary inspirations that finally got me to turn the first page.  Damn you Roth!

My initial reaction to the story's conclusion was equal parts adoration and abhoration.  Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the recurring question in my head was "why?".  There is no way that you write a story like this without an answer to "why?".

I'm talking about the big "why?"  The "why?" that keeps you from falling asleep after you read about two teenagers who find each other in the middle of the worst possible circumstances, fall in love, only for one of them to die without seeing all of the things that young love aspires to see.

I repeat, damn you Roth!

Anyway, the book's answer to that "why?" seemed to hint at the importance of not letting your circumstances dictate your inability to (as they spoke about in the "Literal Heart of Jesus") live your best life today.  This sentiment came together in the climactic pre-funeral eulogy that Gus asked Hazel to write for him:

"I can't talk about our love story, so I will talk about math.  I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1.  There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others.  Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million.  Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.  A writer we used to like taught us that.  There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set.  I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got.  But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful"

I really cried after I read that.

The sentiment of gratitude for something amidst the backdrop of that something being stolen is laudable if not perfect.  But, it begs the question.  What happens when you get from 0 to 1 and the infinity between the two reveals itself for the fallacy that it is.

I am a slave to logic, and the logic within the eulogy is flawed.  Beautifully flawed.

I hate myself for thinking that. I mean we're talking about teenagers who are going to die after all.

Still, there is no "infinity" (mathematical or otherwise) that we can experience while stuck in the throws of a finite temporal existence.  Everything that we know is marked by time.  And, time is winding down for all of us. 

I really hate myself for that one.

Look, I'm not a callous man.  I really am not.

I believe that there is an infinity, but I believe that infinity is not found within the bounds of our humanity.  I believe our humanity causes the waters of faith to get really murky when you lose someone.  Especially if that someone has seen all of your brokeness and depravity and chooses to love you all the more for it or (even more heart breaking) in spite of it.  I believe that we should, in fact, live our best lives today, but never lose sight that our humanity...that same humanity that is prisoner to time's march from 0 to 1...points to something else.  Something bigger. Something that puts "why?" in it's place.

Our humanity informs us that our ability to relate, rightly or wrongly, to everything and everyone around us is what separates us from the stars.  In fact, our ability to gaze in awe at the stars and contemplate how we might relate to them, faults and all, points to an embedded purpose in every one of us.  Love is the best example of this purpose.

But, in order for a purpose to be embedded, there has to have been an answer to "why?" before the embedding took place.  An author of infinity perhaps.

I wish more than anything Gus and Hazel Grace could have known that infinity does not end. 

It is not bound by the dictates of time and space as we know it. 

I wish they knew that the author of love created infinity.  And, that love is the only logical answer to "why?"

I wish...

Reinventing the Inverted Pyramid

Journalistic writing (to maintain any credibility at all) has, should and must begin with the basic idea of presenting a report in an "inverted pyramid" styling. That is J-School 101. I am growing rather tired of how many writers are opting to place controvercial facts at the top of the funnel, knowing very well that most readers will not make it to the facts that emaciate the controvercy located in the final few lines of the story. Poor form. Notice where this line ends up in the pyramid:

IC might very well be attempting to hide something. Howerver, you CANNOT stack the pyramid this way until you have evidence that is nothing more than an organization that grew too fast for their own good (which seems to be indicated by the last two paragraphs of this report).

Poor Form.

Invisible Children has responded to the Better Business Bureau’s concern by
noting that participation in the review program is voluntary and that it is
“choosing to wait until we have expanded our Board of Directors, as some
questions hinge on the size of our board.”

Full Article: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2012/03/13/3093891/bbb-kony-organization-wont-answer.html#storylink=cpy