If you are not from Charlotte, then you might not be aware of the literary smack down that little Miss Carly threw our way via the electronic pages of HuffPo yesterday.
If you are from Charlotte and you have not tweeted some sort of cryptically southern insult at little Miss Carly then consider yourself in the minority.
I'm long winded....consider this my version of said tweet:
Dearest Little Miss Carly,
Congratulations on your Elon College Volleyball career. I'm sure it was fulfilling and awfully important to the 3 people who loyally attended games. I never saw you play, but I bet you were one heck of a digger.
Anyhooooo...
I read your clever little rant on my hometown yesterday. Canon-bound for sure.
If it is meant to be a light hearted and benign homage to the quirkiness of the QC, then please do not read past this sentence.
If it is meant to be what it feels like it is meant to be, then please allow me to clarify on a few points...I'll write slowly...so that you can understand.
In the order you presented:
1) Downtown is called Uptown.
Yes, well you see when your city center is north of the primary population (which was the case when uptown was being developed) you would go "up" to town. If you don't believe me, then ask Atlanta or New York. I believe they are both in similar boats. I realize that we do not have a downtown or midtown like those cities yet, but we are drinking milk....and getting our play60 in. So....
2) No one is actually from Charlotte.
I am. Born July 24, 1976 in Presbyterian Hospital...near uptown.
3) #Jeah (Charlotte has 3 celebrities Michael Jordan, Cam Newton, and Ryan Lochte).
My 15 year old daughter swims on Ryan Lochte's club, and he's not the biggest celebrity on deck. I'll be sure to tell Mandy Patinkin, Claire Daines and Dale Earnhardt Jr. that you think he is though. #powned
4) Everything is oddly evangelical.
What does that even mean? I'll be sure to ask one of my Catholic, Jewish or Greek Orthodox friends who live and worship in Charlotte. If they don't know, then I'll head up to NoDa which, according to your reporting, is apparently inhabited by the Godless masses. Funny, I don't remember seeing that during my last trip up. They do have excellent craft beer though.
5) Everyone works for the big 3.
You've got me there. Nucor, Sonic Automotive, and Duke Power are huge...or, were you talking about RCR, Hendricks and Joe Gibbs Racing....or, were you talking about Chiquita, Carolinas Healthcare and The Compass group. It's kind of hard to tell with the 270 fortune 500 firms currently employing folks in the city.
6) Buzz City Bobcats
Your list is really starting to lose steam at this point. I nicknamed this one the downward dog...it is one heck of a stretch. I grew up in Durham. I'm a dyed in the wool Tarheels fan. You know not of what you speak. This city gave a 60 minute standing ovation to a franchise that lost it's first game to the Cleveland Cavs by 40. I was there. In the immortal words of Dr. Peter Venkmen, "Back off man. I'm a scientist."
7) B of A is trying to tell you something.
I'll admit, the paintings are interesting. I walk past them everyday on my way to the office...where I work...as in am employed...by an entity that pays me. Nice concept, employment. California ought to look into it. By the way, you're so right....no other city center high rise in America features really strange artwork in their lobby.
8) The streets are always empty.
I can surmise that you came to this conclusion at the time of the photo featured in your masterful work of prose. That picture features snow on the ground. Bless your heart darlin', we Charlotteans don't do snow. You certainly could have made fun of that. But, you didn't...and so you remain a bit uninformed. Charlotte streets tend to be a bit of a jungle during office hours and one hell of a party after...sans snow, of course. Don't believe me? Please try to make a left turn off of Tryon Street uptown between the hours of 7-11 PM any Friday night.
9) If you Ain't First, You're last.
I'm sorry. We don't buy into the whole "every one's a winner, now here's your trophy" mentality. There are winners and there are losers. Losers tend to aspire to become winners. The more enterprising losers work really hard and eventually become winners...thereby motivating the next generation of losers to start winning as soon as possible. Sister, that's the America we want to live in. Nice trophy by the way. You get that playing volleyball at Elon?
10) Public Transportation is Hilarious.
You're so right. Executing an idea that would enable thousands of low income workers a way to get to where the jobs are, connect hospitality entities to major uptown events like the CIAA and Major League sporting events, and re-invigorate a previously dead commerce corridor...that's frakkin' hysterical!
11) Rafting and Rapids.
I'll give it to you. The US National Whitewater Center might have made more sense in Colorado. I really don't have anything snarky to add. We are really glad they chose Charlotte as it's home. That's a very cool place.
12) Graveyards are Everywhere.
I nicknamed this observation the corpse pose. Listen, Carly...whatever you do, for the love of all that is holy...never, EVER visit New Orleans...or Charleston...or Arlington, etc.
13) BBQ is an issue.
No darlin', BBQ is THE issue. I have guests in from Seattle and we will be dining tonight upon pulled pork with your choice of eastern Carolina and mustard sauce. That thing that you are feeling...that's called jealousy. Deal with it.
14) Amelie's > America.
Seriously, Amelie's? Did the Junior League sponsor your visit or something? Wait a second...I get it now. Your last name is actually Kuchar isn't it. I am being punk'd right?
15) Charlotte is kind of like Purgatory.
No sweetie...playing Volleyball at Elon College...that is exactly like purgatory.
Enjoy San Fran.
XOXO,
The Queen City Collective.
